So you’ve decided to take the plunge and get your child a
cell phone. Studies show the average age for a child to get their first phone
is around 12 but there is a good
amount of variability in that number. Regardless of the age of your child, the
success of this venture depends largely on you, as a parent. You need to set
your child up for success. Here is how:
Establish Rules of Use
The first thing you need to do is define a Rules of Use
Agreement with your child. This Agreement is the set of rules that governs what
your child is and is not allowed to do with their phone. The rules should be specific and actionable. Avoid anything
subjective or open to interpretation. I recommend a written document so that
there is no confusion. A good activity might be to sit down with your child and
come up with the agreement together. Capturing their attention for that long
might seem impossible but if they know that getting a phone is contingent upon
it, you’ll get some of their time and attention. Your agreement should include:
What: You need to
define what they are allowed to do with their phone—phone calls,
texting/messaging, email, video chat, internet access, Youtube, Facebook,
twitter, sending/posting photos,
sending/posting videos, apps,
ringtones, etc. For those of you who only use your phone for phone calls, be
aware that texting is the main form of communication for kids. Have an “allowed
activities” list and be explicit about what they can do. Since things change so
quickly, you’ll want to make sure that anything not specifically on the list is
considered “not allowed”.
Who: For those
phone activities that involve other people, you need to indicate with whom they
are allowed to communicate. Again, be specific.
When: Unless you
want round-the-clock phone usage, you will want to include rules about when
they can use their phone. For example, no phone usage after bedtime and before
morning. Teens will use their phone to communicate at school, so consider a
rule for no phone usage during classes.
How Much/Why: Include
any restrictions regarding how much they use their phone or for what reason
they can use their phone. For example, are they allowed social use of their
phone, for emergencies only, for parental check-ins, etc. If you are
restricting why or how much they use their phone, be specific about the
allowable situations or allowable limits. It may shock you to see how many
texts your child will send and receive. Kids don’t use texting like email where
you may send one message and get a reply. Kids use texting in lieu of talking.
One texting “conversation” will include many, many text messages back and
forth. If your child is old enough to text and you are allowing them to text
their friends, make sure you are reasonable in your expectations about how many
texts they will be sending.
Monitoring: Your job, as a parent, is to enforce the
rules of the plan. Your kids should be aware that you will be monitoring
their phone usage and how you will be monitoring it. Wireless carriers offer a
variety of free and paid services for parents to monitor as well as restrict
phone usage. A number of third party services offering monitoring and parental
controls are also available. I recommend that you be open with your child about
exactly how you will monitor their phone use. Consider how much privacy your child deserves, especially if
you are considering third party monitoring services that often give parents
full access to texts and emails. Don’t secretly spy on your child. If you will
be reading their texts, make sure they know about it. Again, for older kids,
consider how much privacy they deserve. Also, make sure that you actually do
the monitoring. Kids will figure out pretty quickly if you’re not. It is their
responsibility to use the phone appropriately. It is your responsibility to
make sure this is happening.
Conditions for
Continued Use of Phone: Spell out the conditions they need to meet in order
to maintain all of their phone privileges. Do they need to maintain grades at
school? Do they need to pay for all or part of their phone plan? At a minimum,
they need to follow the rules of use. As a parent, you are the enforcer. Be
strict and consistent with consequences if your child does not follow the
rules. They need to know that you mean business.
Discuss Potential Downfalls
Your kids can get themselves into a lot of trouble with a
cell phone. Even with a well-defined Rules of Use Agreement, kids can make
mistakes. I recommend that you sit down with your child and discuss a set of
very specific scenarios that illustrate some of the potential pitfalls of a
cell phone. Use realistic examples (ripped from the headlines if you happen to
have a scandal handy). Kids need to understand that anything they send or post
from their phone is permanent and will stay with them. Include scenarios that
cover the phone services they will be allowed to use—texting, sexting, Facebook.
Have a two-way conversation rather than a lecture. Ask them what think will
happen, what other people will think, would their friends be mad, would any
college accept someone with that type of picture posted, etc.
Choose an Appropriate Phone and Plan
Phone. Make good
choices when you choose a phone and plan for your child. Make sure they match
how your child will use the phone. Most providers have phones with limited
functionality that are well suited to a younger child who
is using the phone for emergencies and parent-check in’s. Don’t tempt your
child with a smart phone if they’re not allowed to use most of the features.
Most phones have parental controls that allow you to lock out features. Take
advantage of this to eliminate temptation (and choose a password your child
won’t be able to guess).
Plan. Choose a
plan that matches how your child will use the phone. If your child will be
texting, do yourself a favor and get an unlimited texting plan.
Revisit and Revise
Once your child has their phone, revisit and revise your
Rules of Use Agreement often. Your child will demonstrate their responsibility
or lack of responsibility. Your own comfort level with your child using a phone
will change. As circumstances change, you will need to update the agreement. As
the parent, you are driving this process. Take it seriously and your child will
too.
www.joshuaweinermd.com
www.joshuaweinermd.com
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